Star Trek, TOS: Life on the Enterprise
by Crescent Moon Dancer
Summary: What happens when the ship's food processors go on the blink? How does Spock feel about Nurse Chapel's attraction to him? What does Chekov think about the Tribbles? Delve into the private logs, diary entries, on-board dispatches, and personal notes of the captain and crew to find out the answers to these questions, and more! (Rated T for some colorful metaphors.)
1. Chapter 1: Ship's cook

**Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek: The Original Series in any way, shape, or form. If I did, I'd be older than my own mother and quite possibly dead. XD**

* * *

_Captain's personal log, Stardate 23.46 Captain James T. Kirk recording_

An unintentional venture into Romulan space one standard week ago resulted in hostile interactions and moderate damage to the _Enterprise_ \- moderate damage that includes the food processor being very efficiently wrecked. Things looked bleak for us, but Mr. Checov came to me after the fact was confirmed and advised we take on a temporary ship's cook. He recommended a close friend of his, one Ensign Igor Ivannovitch, who, he informed me, is a culinary genius. (Side note: How is it that I'm the captain, and yet have never met hundreds of my crew members? I've never heard of this Igor Ivannovitch, and had no idea that he was on my ship.) Seeing no other course of action, I employed him to the post, and have since been enjoying a variety of expertly-cooked meals of various nationalities for a number of days now.  
Unfortunately, I was rather desperate when I assigned him the post of ship's cook, and therefore didn't check his qualifications past the excellent pumpkin strudel he offered me as a tester. And now disaster has struck.  
The numerous reports I've received on said disaster have been biased on one side or the other, and all of them extremely garbled. But I gather that earlier today, Lieutenant Barker, (never heard of him, either,) sampled some of Ivannovitch's cooking, unauthorized, and was "put out of commission".

I dread to think of just what that means.

* * *

_Dear Diary,_

_It vas NOT my fault. I vant that to be perfectly clear. Lt. Barker should not have dipped his grubby fingers into my ginger glaze vithout asking first. And I'm quite confident that he's perfectly alright, and will be discharged from sickbay once Dr. McCoy has ascertained as much._

_As luck vould have it, First Officer Spock was privy to the...ah...incident, and does not seem to share my optimistic wiewpoints. I vas treated to a long lecture of how, "the enthusiastic application of _jacta ferrum_ (vhatever that is,) to the human cranial region is non-conducive to good health, and may result in extensive and potentially lethal brain damage later in life." Pah! There is nothing wrong vith Lt. Barker, I am sure. And to put everyone else's minds at ease, I shall confirm it vith Dr. McCoy._

_Igor Ivannovitch_

* * *

On-board dispatch

To: Ensign Ivannovitch, ship's kitchen

From: Dr. Leonard McCoy, Sickbay

If you EVER hit someone in the head with a cast iron skillet again, I will PERSONALLY see that you are court-martialed, and your collection of pots and pans confiscated and thrown out the nearest air lock!

* * *

**Hey everyone! Thanks for reading the first chapter of this silly little fanfic. :) This is the first Star Trek story I've attempted, and I may take the characters out of character a bit, but I'll do my best to make them seem realistic. ;) If you like it, please review! And if you don't like it, please review anyway, and tell me _why _you don't like it, so maybe I can improve my writing. **


	2. Chapter 2: More Troubles with Tribbles

_Spock's ponderings, notation #346  
Discourse on human emotions_

It is an unfathomable mystery to me why humans insist on acting upon feelings rather than logic and intellectual decisions. Quite often does their chosen course of action end in trouble for them because of their hasty and illogical actions. I acknowledge that suppressing emotions can be potentially harmful to humans, not only for the one suppressing the emotions, but for those around them as well, but I fail to understand why they let such fickle creatures rule them - for I'm beginning to believe that human emotions and feelings are indeed sentient creatures entirely independent of the individual body hosting them. It is illogical, I know, but I cannot help wondering sometimes. Otherwise, surely even humans must have some control over what they think and feel, and how it affects their behavior.

I allude to an incident that occurred earlier at Space Station A-7; an incident displaying a profound example of the hotheadedness of the human race. Mr. Scott, Ensign Checov, and Lieutenant Frayman engaged a convoy of Klingons in personal combat for no other reason than that of the Klingons making unflattering remarks about the physical appearance and functionality of the _Enterprise_. Mr. Scott, doubtless under the influence of a strong beverage, responded illogically to these petty taunts, and proceeded, to use a specifically inaccurate but contextually appropriate expression, to "beat the tar" out of the Klingon convoy. I do not claim to understand the perplexities of the human idiom, but the expression seemed to fit the situation.

Also, due to Lieutenant Uhura's emotional attraction to small fuzzy things, we have been inundated with alien lifeforms that, while not in the least bit hostile, serve no practical use, and may eventually bring about the complete lack of provisions aboard the ship.

Spock out.

* * *

_Captain's personal log, Stardate I-really-have-no-idea Captain James T. Kirk recording_

I am surrounded by Tribbles, Klingons, officious officers, and idiots, and at the moment, I don't know which one is the worst, although I'm inclining towards the first option with every passing moment. I have been trained to deal with Klingons, am able to laugh at the officious officers, and have happy authority over my specialized bunch of idiots, but I find myself at a loss as to how I can deal with this unholy invasion of these trilling nuisances. The female members of my crew may find them appealing, but personally I find their ubiquitous presence very wearing. And they just keep _coming!_ I think when this is all over, I shall take Bones' advice and indulge in a shore leave. I have a sneaking suspicion that, given proper authorization, Mr. Scott may be joining me - the Tribbles seem to be giving him some small amount of grief, as well.

* * *

_Engineer's journal, Montgomery Scott_

AH WANT THESE THRICE-CURSED CREATURES _OFF _MAH SHIP! THEY'RE GETTIN' INTO THE MACHINERY AND GUMMIN' UP THE WORKS, AND IF SOMETHIN'S NOT DONE ABOUT THEM POSTHASTE, AH'M GETTIN' ME A NEW PATCHWORK FUR COAT FOR THE WINTER!

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Lieutenant Sulu, bridge  
From: Ensign Chekov, private quarters

Hikaru, I have finally found something that Russia did not inwent. You understand, of course, that the Mother Country only spawns _intelligent _lifeforms, and can in no vay be responsible for these creatures, yes?

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Ensign Chekov, private quarters  
From: Lieutenant Sulu, bridge

Yes, of course, Pavel. But I know full well that you're only disclaiming any connections for fear of how the captain would react if he thought your country was to blame for the Tribbles' existence. I know you really like them - don't bother denying it, I saw you stroking one that was on your control panel yesterday.

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Lieutenant Sulu, bridge  
From: Ensign Chekov, private quarters

You misunderstand me. Endearing though they may be, in their own vay, I vant it to be understood that Russia is not to blame for any mischief they may cause.

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Ensign Chekov, private quarters  
From: Lieutenant Sulu, bridge

I know, Pavel. Asia didn't invent them either.

* * *

**Well, here's the next chapter. :) Hope you enjoyed it, and thanks for reading! Review? **


	3. Chapter 3: April Foolishness

_Personal notes of Dr."Bones" McCoy_  
What a day! Normally, I don't condone excessive drinking, since it promotes the likelihood of acquiring cancer and wreaks havoc on one's liver and sensibility, but affairs of human honor are quite convincing arguments in favor of over-indulgence.

You see, one of Scottie's assistants discovered that today is, in Earth terms, the first day of April. April Fool's Day. (How such a sorry excuse for a holiday survived the centuries, I'll never know, and the fact that one can't even escape it in space is absurd.) Of course, all the junior crew members - and I mean _all _the junior crew members - hailed this fact with unparallelled enthusiasm.

Personally, I never cared for April Fool's Day, especially on a starship. The spirit of the day incites people to play pranks and practical jokes of enormous magnitude on various victims, who then get revenge, then get their own back at them again, then pay it back _again_, and it all just makes one hell of a mess for someone else to clean up.

But today, I experienced April Fool's Day in the company of a Vulcan, and felt compelled to take part in the...festivities...myself. Usually I wouldn't dream of doing such a thing, but Spock's oh-so-logical, (which can be translated into unbearably, condescendingly smug,) viewpoints on the day were rather more pronounced than good taste permitted, so I felt that I had to do _something _about it.

So, while off-duty, I challenged, goaded, taunted, prodded, and coaxed him to join a drinking contest. To draw suspicion away from my real motive, I also threw the challenge out to Jim and Scottie, both of whom consented with much less persuasion than was required for our good Science Officer. Eventually, I managed to draw Spock into it, and then sat back and watched as he made a perfect April Fool of himself. He didn't lose any of his Vulcan composure, oh no! But after four glasses of old wine, he passed out on the floor. No warning, no swaying, or giggling, or anything. Just... plunk. Fainted.

When he woke up, I got to enjoy watching his activities while under the influence of very influential refreshments, although it was somewhat marred by the fact that he didn't disgrace his cool dignity.

Even flat-out drunk, that dratted Spock doesn't get emotional! I swear, his full-blooded Vulcan father has more feelings!

Oh, and Scottie won the drinking contest. Predictable, isn't it?

...I hope Ensign Ivannovitch doesn't find out who spirited away three bottles of well-aged Chardonnay from the kitchen.

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Dr. Leonard McCoy, Sickbay  
From: First Officer Spock, crew's lounge

Your actions earlier were highly illogical and unwonted, Doctor. Did you stop to consider the possible effect it could have had on the operation of the ship?

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: First Officer Spock, crew's lounge  
From: Dr. Leonard McCoy, Sickbay

_My _actions? Spock, it was you who put the whole ship on Red Alert! My actions, indeed!

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Dr. Leonard McCoy, Sickbay  
From: First Officer Spock, crew's lounge

Doctor. I'm sure it's not necessary to remind you that I...succumbed to the effects of the wine you provided me while in the lounge and awoke in the same location. You yourself witnessed it. I then proceeded to my own quarters and fell asleep there, again waking up in the same location. I do not recall ever going to the bridge and ordering Red Alert today. Therefore, I must continue to conclude that you went in my stead and relayed a false command while the captain and I were temporarily out of commission.

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: First Officer Spock, crew's lounge  
From: Dr. Leonard McCoy, Sickbay

Why the hell would you think I would do that? As you yourself said, it would be a highly illogical thing to do.

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Dr. Leonard McCoy, Sickbay  
From: First Officer Spock, crew's lounge

You have just demonstrated my point precisely and served to convince me most thoroughly of my previous suspicions.

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: First Officer Spock, crew's lounge  
From: Dr. Leonard McCoy, Sickbay

Why, you...insufferable... pointy-eared... green-blooded...Space Elf! Are you implying that I'm incapable of acting in a logical manner?

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Dr. Leonard McCoy, Sickbay  
From: First Officer Spock, crew's lounge

I assure you, Doctor, I did nothing of the kind. I merely affirmed your own implications of your characteristics.

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: First Officer Spock, personal quarters  
From: Dr. Leonard McCoy, Sickbay

Spare me the agonies of Vulcan humor, if that's what you're trying to employ.

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Dr. Leonard McCoy, Sickbay  
From: First Officer Spock, personal quarters

I fail to understand you, sir. I wasn't endeavoring to be humorous at all.

I will be on duty in ten standard minutes, and respectfully request that you keep your number of dispatches at a minimum.

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: First Officer Spock, personal quarters  
From: Dr. Leonard McCoy, Sickbay

Believe me, Spock, when I say that I will _gladly _sever correspondence with you for the time being.

* * *

_Personal notes of Dr. "Bones" McCoy_

_Dammit_, what was Amanda thinking when she mated with a Vulcan?! And Spock did order that Red Alert, no matter what he thinks.

To make this day complete, our resident chef temporarily incapacitated me. He _claims _it was an accident, and unfortunately, I've no way to prove otherwise.

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Ensign/Chef Ivannovitch, ship's kitchen  
From: Ensign Chekov, bridge

Igor, vas it strictly necessary to drop a fifteen pound pumpkin on Dr. McCoy's foot?

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Ensign Chekov, bridge  
From: Ensign/Chef Ivannovitch, ship's kitchen

It vas.


	4. Chapter 4: Lovestruck?

**Wow! Over 200 views in just two days! :D I'm so happy happy happy! :D And a great big warm thank you to Saavikam69 for taking the time to review. :) You're awesome! **

**Hope you all enjoy the new chapter. :)**

* * *

_Spock's ponderings, notation #389_  
_What is happening to me? _  
As time passes, I find myself strangely drawn to Doctor McCoy's assistant, Christine Chapel. It is extremely illogical that I should be experiencing this, and I cannot fathom the sudden influx of these uncomfortable human feelings. It does not in any way resemble my former bond and attraction to T'Pring, which was entirely natural. Nurse Chapel and I share no bond or connection; it would be impossible, as she is not a Vulcan.  
And yet I will find myself idly thinking of her soft blond tresses, or those clear blue eyes that are so steady and sensitive. Sometimes I hear her voice echoing in my head when I am attempting meditation, and can almost feel her presence when I play my harp.  
These are most disquieting sensations, and I am at a loss as to how I can suppress them. My numerous attempts have all met with failure, and the whole ordeal is quite... disturbing.  
I have endeavored to avoid consulting Doctor McCoy; in spite of his repeated claims to be solely a medical practitioner, he possesses a mild touch of psychiatry, but I have no doubt that he would make an illogical diagnosis for my unsettling condition, and perhaps make an attempt at what he would believe to be humorous remarks. Still, I fear that if I cannot regain control of myself, I will be left with no alternative.  
Spock out.

* * *

_Dear Diary,_

_First Officer Spock came into Sickbay earlier on an errand for the captain, and he actually __**smiled **__at me! Mr. __**Spock! **__Smiled! __At __**me**__! _

_I thought my heart would beat right out of my chest. I suppose I'm very insensible, but there it is. There's just something about him that's...oh, it's indescribable! But whatever it is, it plays havoc with my heart and senses.  
I'm afraid it's public knowledge that I'm in love with him, and Dr. McCoy doesn't...ah...entirely approve. Fortunately, I don't think he noticed what transpired earlier. _

_Christine Chapel_

* * *

_Personal notes of Dr. "Bones" McCoy_

Good Lord! He smiled! He actually _smiled!_ At _Nurse Chapel! _

Thank goodness my cardiovascular system is in good working order.

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: First Officer Spock, bridge  
From: Dr. Leonard McCoy, Sickbay

Spock, keep your green-blooded hands off my assistants.

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Dr. Leonard McCoy, Sickbay  
From: First Officer Spock, bridge

I quite fail to understand you, Doctor. I have no intentions of placing my hands on your assistants.

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: First Officer Spock, bridge  
From: Dr. Leonard McCoy, Sickbay

That's not what I...Dammit Spock, do you always have to be so specific about things?

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Dr. Leonard McCoy, Sickbay  
From: First Officer Spock, bridge

I find it illogical to say something that you do not mean, and quite often it leads to undue confusion that could quite easily be avoided.

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: First Officer Spock, bridge  
From: Dr. Leonard McCoy,Sickbay

Did you find it logical to display your pearly whites in an endearing smile while in the presence of my nurse?

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Dr. Leonard McCoy, Sickbay  
From: First Officer Spock, bridge

Doctor, I am required to occupy my attention on practical matters while on duty. I request that you keep your number of dispatches at a minimum at the current time.

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: First Officer Spock, Bridge  
From: Dr. Leonard McCoy, Sickbay

Yeah. I didn't think it was logical, either.

* * *

_Captain's personal log, Stardate 543.6 Captain James T. Kirk recording_

I swear, if Lieutenant Riley puts a Tribble in my bed again, he's spending the next four and a half years in the brig. I don't care if the things are dead, _I don't want them on my ship. _

* * *

**Hee hee...Spock's getting positively sentimental! XD I had a bit of trouble with that part, but if his full-blooded Vulcan father married a human, well, why not Spock?  
**


	5. Chapter 5: Mishaps and Misunderstandings

**Over 420 views already! I am just flipping out! Thank you guys soooo much - I never thought this story would be so popular! :D Huge thank you to GrossGirl18, Belinda Ashley 3, and MaryChapel for your reviews. You guys are awesome. :D And don't worry, there's much more to come. ;)**

**And now, on to the chapter!**

* * *

_Captain's personal log, Stardate 594.23 Captain James T. Kirk recording_  
I should really be more careful about who I appoint to a position of power. But curse it all, how was I supposed to know that Ship's Cook was a dangerous rank? I can only hope that Ensign Ivannovitch soon returns to his former placid habits, and will relinquish his authority over the ship's provisions. It cannot be denied that his culinary achievements are nothing short of spectacular - not one person on the ship would debate that - but for all love! The man's a tyrant!  
Oh, and I must remember to visit Sulu later and see how he's recovering.

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Ensign/Chef Ivannovitch, ship's kitchen  
From: Dr. Leonard McCoy, Sickbay

Ensign, when I told you not to hit anyone in the head with a cast iron skillet again, that did NOT mean you could employ a stainless steel soup pot for the same purpose! Do you know what that could have done for Lt. Sulu's life expectancy?!

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Dr. Leonard McCoy, Sickbay  
From: Chef Ivannovitch, ship's kitchen

I'm sorry, Doctor. But perhaps you should hawe been more specific, to awoid misunderstandings. I'm sure Mr. Spock could help you vith that.

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Ensign/Chef Ivannovitch, ship's kitchen  
From: Dr. Leonard McCoy, Sickbay

Let me rephrase my previous admonishment. You are forbidden to hit anyone in the head with anything! I don't care what they've done, you're simply not allowed to do it! And that doesn't mean you can drop pumpkins on their toes, either!

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Dr. Leonard McCoy, Sickbay  
From: Chef Ivannovitch, ship's kitchen

Of course, Doctor. Vhatewer you vish.

* * *

_Journal of Lieutenant Riley - __PRIVATE!_

Drat that ensign! He has no respect for rank or position now! I suspect he's also jealous of my extreme good looks and inborn charm.  
Be that as it may, I am never going to so much as _look _at a breakfast bun without permission again. The results of doing so are not the most appealing, to say the least. I'm extremely put-out right now; I'd been intending to spend my off time with that very attractive Joyce Bauer from the botany lab, but now I have to go to Sickbay and have Dr. McCoy relocate my kneecap instead.

I had no idea soup ladles could do something like that. You'd think they'd have to be more flexible to achieve that shape, but apparently not.

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Ensign/Chef Ivannovitch, ship's kitchen  
From: Dr. Leonard McCoy, Sickbay

IVANNOVITCH, YOU SMART ALECK! When I said you couldn't hit people in the head with skillets or soup pots, that did not mean you could substitute by hitting them in the legs with a ladle! I don't know how you managed to do what you did to Lt. Riley, but YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO DO IT AGAIN! And you can't make me believe that you didn't know that already!

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Dr. Leonard McCoy, Sickbay  
From: Supreme Chef Ivannovitch, ship's kitchen

Sorry Doctor. It von't happen again. And I'll ask Mr. Spock to stop by Sickbay and wisit you later.

* * *

_Personal notes of Dr. "Bones" McCoy_

The **_nerve_** of that kid!

* * *

_Captain's personal log, supplement_

My previous hopes have been very efficiently dashed. I visited the kitchen earlier and was assured that Ensign Ivannovitch has taken up permanent rule of anything connected to food aboard this ship. The kitchen is his domain, and I've no doubt that before too much longer, anyone who sets foot in it without authorization by the tyrant himself will be 'temporarily unavailable for service requests'.

We're all doomed.


	6. Chapter 6: Failed attempt

**Well, here's another chapter for y'all. :) I was really kind of depressed when I wrote it, so it might not be as good as the others, but it's here. XD Also, I have a bad case of writer's block, so the next few chapters might be slow in coming. Hopefully I won't keep y'all waiting too long.  
**

**And as usual, a great big thank you to all my reviewers: GrossGirl18, MaryChapel, Ethylamine, SimplyMe514, and anyone who happens to review after I post this chapter. Y'all are the best!**

**And now I'll stop blathering and let you start the chapter. XD**

* * *

_Private recordings of a Starfleet ensign_

Sometimes I vonder if Igor is just a little too enthusiastic about his new duties. He has certainly shown no inclination to return to his former post in engineering, and anyvone who has tried to persuade him to relinquish his post in the kitchen has met vith...extreme disciplinary measures.  
I'm certain, though, that vone of his friends could reason vith him, and at least conwince him to stop damaging the crew.  
...I vonder vhat engineer Vilson is doing this afternoon...

_E. Pavel Chekov_

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Lieutenant Sulu, bridge  
From: Ensign Chekov, personal quarters

Hikaru, I'm going to wisit Igor. Apparently he didn't take kindly to Luke Vilson's company, so I'm going to try to talk to him. Vish me luck.

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Ensign Chekov, personal quarters  
From: Lieutenant Sulu, bridge

Don't do it, Pavel! He'll kill you!

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Lieutenant Sulu, bridge  
From: Ensign Chekov, personal quarters

I don't think so. Ve vere at the Academy together, and ve used to be friends. Perhaps he'll remember.

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Ensign Chekov, personal quarters  
From: Lieutenant Sulu, bridge

Well, good luck - and don't say I didn't warn you.

* * *

_Personal notes of Dr. "Bones" McCoy_

Igor Ivannovitch is completely out of hand. If we can't tame him, he'll be facing court-martial pretty soon, and well deserved! This is the third time this week that a crewman has staggered, stumbled, limped, or been dragged into Sickbay, having been unceremoniously ejected from the kitchens. This is getting ridiculous!

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Lieutenant Sulu, bridge  
From: Ensign Chekov, Sickbay

I should hawe listened to you, Hikaru. You vould not beliewe the things Igor can do vith a raw carrot...

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Ensign Chekov, Sickbay  
From: Lieutenant Sulu, bridge

I'll stop by on my off time and bring you some vodka.

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Lieutenant Sulu, bridge  
From: Ensign Chekov, Sickbay

No, don't! I vould hate for you to be spending more than just your off time here.

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Ensign Chekov,Sickbay  
From: Lieutenant Sulu, bridge

I already have, and trust me, Pavel, I'm a fast learner. I'll ask for it very respectfully.

* * *

_(Note attached to the bottle of vodka Sulu brings to Chekov)_

_I'm so wery, wery sorry for injuring you, Pavel. I certainly newer intended to paralyze your arm, and I promise it von't happen again. Enjoy your wodka! _


	7. Chapter 7: Floatin'

On-board dispatch  
To: Chief Engineer Scott, engineering  
From: Dr. Leonard McCoy, Sickbay

Scottie, what the hell is going on? I walked into my medbay a few minutes ago and saw all my patients bobbing around the ceiling! And now I'm stuck up here too! What's happening?

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Dr. Leonard McCoy, Sickbay  
From: Chief Engineer Scott, engineering

Th' gravity is out in Sickbay, Doctor.

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Chief Engineer Scott, engineering  
From: Dr. Leonard McCoy, Sickbay

...No. Really? I thought someone had come in and injected my patients and assistants full of helium while I was gone.  
I _know _there's no gravity. What I don't know and want to know is _why _there is no gravity!

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Chief Engineer Scott, engineering  
From: Supreme Chef Ivannovitch, ship's kitchen

Chief, my soup is floating around in the air. And so am I. Is something wrong vith the grawity generator?

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Dr. Leonard McCoy, Sickbay  
From: Chief Engineer Scott, engineering

It's th' life support system, it's gone haywire. There's plenty of oxygen and the temperature is still under control, but the gravity generator is non-responsive. We're doin' all we can, Doctor.

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Ensign/Chef Ivannovitch, ship's kitchen  
From: Chief Engineer Scott, engineering

You got it, ensign. The life support system has gone faulty - everything is in workin' order except the gravity generator. Apparently Sickbay is having the same problems. Ah'll do what Ah can to fix it.

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Chief Engineer Scott, engineering  
From: Supreme Chef Ivannovitch, ship's kitchen

Alright chief. But vhen you repair it, please varn me before you turn it back on. Or dinner vill be ruined.

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Ensign/Chef Ivannovitch, ship's kitchen  
From: Chief Engineer Scott, engineering

Ah'll let ya know, ensign.

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Chief Engineer Scott, engineering  
From: Captain Kirk,bridge

Mr. Scott, we have a problem.

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Captain Kirk, bridge  
From: Chief Engineer Scott, engineering

Oh no. Not th' bridge as well! You're not all floatin' around up there too, are ya?

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Chief Engineer Scott, engineering  
From: Captain Kirk, bridge

Yes, we are. And what do you mean, "too"? Is the gravity out all over the ship?

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Captain Kirk, bridge  
From: Chief Engineer Scott, engineering

That's undetermined, Cap'n sir. So far reports have come in only from ship's kitchen and Sickbay. And th' bridge, of course. Everyone down here is still firmly planted on the ground.

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Chief Engineer Scott, engineering  
From: Captain Kirk, bridge

I take it that something has gone wrong with the life support systems. Is there a probability that we'll shortly be in danger of suffocating?

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Captain Kirk, bridge  
From: Chief Engineer Scott, engineering

Negative, Cap'n. So far, it's just th' gravity generator that's given way. We're doin' all we can, sir.

* * *

_Captain's personal log, Stardate 1035.6 Captain James T. Kirk recording_

Due to unidentified difficulties, the life support systems connected to Sickbay, ship's kitchen, and the bridge have malfunctioned. My chief engineer has assured me that there is no imminent danger to the lives of the crew in these locations - the only result of the aforementioned malfunction is the loss of gravity. I have full confidence that Mr. Scott and his engineering crew will not rest until they have discovered the problem and rectified it, but in the meantime, many of us are, to put it quite literally, left hanging.

* * *

Ship-wide dispatch  
From: Chief Engineer Scott, engineering

To everyone concerned - and Ah mean that in every sense of th' word - the problem with the gravity generator has been discovered and corrected. Gravity will resume it's function in two minutes.

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Chief Engineer Scott, engineering  
From: Captain Kirk, bridge

Well done, Scottie! Out of curiosity, what _was _the problem?

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Captain Kirk, bridge  
From: Chief Engineer Scott, engineering

Something had fallen into the machinery, Cap'n. What exactly it was, Ah still don't know - it's squashed and burned beyond identifyin', whatever it is - but it's been removed, and everything is back in proper workin' order.

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Chief Engineer Scott, engineering  
From: Captain Kirk, bridge

I see. Well, as I said, well done, Mr. Scott. I couldn't ask for a better chief engineer.

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Captain Kirk, bridge  
From: Chief Engineer Scott, engineering

Thank you very much, sir!

* * *

_Engineer's journal, Montgomery Scott_

Ah'm beat. Today has been rather tryin', if I do say so mahself. But, as they say, all's well that ends well - and thanks be to goodness that all ended well! Ah don't like to think about what would 'a' happened if we hadn't discovered the problem with th' gravity generator. For starters, the captain and a number of th' crew would still be residin' in the general area of the ceilin'. But thanks to mah able engineers - and mah able self, if Ah may say so - the victims of Zero Gravity are back where they belong.

Ah can't help wonderin', though, just what that thing was that was causin' the trouble... Oh well. Ah guess we'll never know.

* * *

_Journal of Lieutenant Riley - __Private!_

Note to self: Be more careful when smuggling dead Tribbles past engineering machinery.

* * *

**Well, as you can see, I risked another chapter. XD Hope y'all liked it! **


	8. Chapter 8: Of break-ups and cheese

_Captain's personal log, Stardate 1154.71 Captain James T. Kirk recording_  
Due to unknown complications - again - the engines have stalled, and the _Enterprise _is dead in space. All life support systems are fully operative, nothing is draining the power, phasers and shields are completely operational, inter-ship communications, turbo-lifts, computers, medical equipment...everything except the food processor, (which I suspect Ensign Ivannovitch is probably sabotaging,) is in perfect working order. Scottie reported that the dilithium crystals are as they should be - and yet the engines stalled for no reason, leaving us completely adrift and vulnerable for attack from hostile life forms.  
Unfortunately, there's nothing we can do except sit and wait for engineering to discover and rectify the problem. And with 400+ people unable to do anything on a stalled Starship, it stands to reason that there's going to be a nigh-incurable epidemic.  
As I expected, the epidemic has made itself known, and nearly everyone aboard the _Enterprise, _myself included, is infected.  
This epidemic goes by the horrific name of Boredom.  
And naturally, 400+ people unable to do anything on a stalled Starship while infected with Boredom is a sure recipe for disaster.  
This was proven earlier when a number of us were standing around, trying to think of something constructive to do. (And then, when that failed, something nonconstructive.) Anything to break the monotony.  
Unfortunately, certain persons, (Lt. Riley,) took "anything" and ran. He suggested a Russian Roulette tournament, using Sulu's collection of antique arsenal.  
He promptly withered under a cross-fire of death glares from Chekov and Bones, while Sulu beat a hasty retreat, probably to find a secure hiding place for his collection. Who knows where he - Riley, not Sulu - is now, and what devilry he's getting up to...

* * *

Ship-wide dispatch  
From: Supreme Chef Ivannovitch

Captain, superiors, peers, subordinates, and peasants, I bid you good afternoon.  
I inwite you to join me in the kitchen at 0900, 1200, and 1500 hours today for a special sampling of some of the finest coagulated milk ewer inwented! I vill be giwing a presentation on the history and making of this superb garnish during the tasting.  
I vish you all good day, and hope to see you in the kitchen for this ewent!

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Captain Kirk, personal quarters  
From: Dr. Leonard McCoy, Sickbay

Are you going to this cheese lecture the Ensign is hosting?

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Dr. Leonard McCoy, Sickbay  
From: Captain Kirk, personal quarters

I thought I might look in on it and see what it's all about. Why?

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Captain Kirk, personal quarters  
From: Dr. Leonard McCoy, Sickbay

Jim, what am I going to do with you?

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Dr. Leonard McCoy, Sickbay  
From: Captain Kirk, personal quarters

Let me go to the cheese lecture?

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Captain Kirk, personal quarters  
From: Dr. Leonard McCoy, Sickbay

Like you care about the lecture part. You just want to see if there's some Dubliner Stout available. And I'm telling you Jim, if you keep disregarding the diet I've put you on, stout is exactly what you're going to be.

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Dr. Leonard McCoy, Sickbay  
From: Captain Kirk, personal quarters

Sorry Bones, but I still outrank you. You can stay and play Russian Roulette with Lt. Riley if you want to. I'm going to the cheese lecture.

* * *

_Personal notes of Dr. "Bones" McCoy_

Damn that man. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother to try.

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Lt. Bauer, botany lab  
From: Lt. Riley, engineering

Hey Joyce, want to go to this presentation of coagulated milk with me this afternoon?

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Lt. Riley, engineering  
From: Lt. Bauer, botany lab

I'd rather go out with a Klingon.

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Lt. Bauer, botany lab  
From: Lt. Riley, engineering

...Ouch. That was uncalled for. What's wrong now?

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Lt. Riley, engineering  
From: Lt. Bauer, botany lab

Absolutely nothing's wrong. I'd just rather go out with a Klingon than see you anymore. I'm sure Shelby would like to go to the presentation with you, though. She seems to enjoy going everywhere else with you.

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Lt. Bauer, botany lab  
From: Lt. Riley, engineering

Shelby helps me out with making trouble- I mean, playing harmless pranks. I can't help it that I spend more time with her, she's just more portable.

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Lt. Riley, engineering  
From: Lt. Bauer, botany lab

Oh, lovely. So I'm upstaged by a dead Tribble simply because she's "more portable"?

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Lt. Bauer, botany lab  
From: Lt. Riley, engineering

That's not what I...! Joyce, no one could ever replace you; dead, alive, natural, supernatural, human, alien, old, young, ensign, admiral...nobody. You're a queen among women in my eyes, and you always will be. You should know that. And if it makes you happy, I'll throw Shelby out the nearest airlock. ...Okay, maybe I won't do that. But I'll lock her in a drawer and not even look at her for a week.  
Now will you go to the presentation with me?

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Lt. Riley, engineering  
From: Lt. Bauer, botany lab

Drop dead, Riley.

* * *

_Journal of Lieutenant Riley - __Private!_

Drat it! First the engines go on the blitz and leave me bored out of my handsome head, then one of my pranks goes horriblely wrong, (I'll be coughing out Tribble hair for a week,) and now I've gone and lost my girlfriend! Which means I have to go to this stupid cheese thing alone.

Unless...

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Chief Engineer Scott, engineering  
From: Lt. Riley, personal quarters

Hey Chief, were you planning on going to the cheese tasting/presentation this afternoon?

* * *

**Well, this is the last chapter I had written and stockpiled, and I currently have writer's block so badly it'll probably be at least another week before I can get another chapter done. I was grasping for plot bunnies already when I wrote this one. (It is, if you'll pardon the expression, pretty cheesy. XD) But I hope y'all enjoyed it, and I'll try to get another one done soon**

**Oh, and if anyone's wondering, no, Riley is not slash. He just wants company. xD**


	9. Chapter 9: Wooly Terrors

**Whew, finally got another chapter done! Inspiration turned up it's toes a couple of weeks ago, and still hasn't revived. I was grasping for plot bunnies with this chapter, as you can probably tell, but it's here! XD**

* * *

_Captain's log, Stardate 1173.12 Captain James T. Kirk recording_  
The _Enterprise _is in standard orbit around the planet Plato II. A landing party has just returned to the ship, confirming that this planet is a class M, much like Earth, but inhabited only with Earth-like animals. There was no sign of intelligent life, and the ship's scanners confirmed this.  
Due to a momentary transporter malfunction, there are minor complications that will delay the continuation of our journey, but we are working to rectify these complications, and will doubtless have it cleared up soon. Several of the planet's inhabitants were beamed aboard when the landing party returned, but we're rounding them up, and will transport them safely back to the surface before departure.

* * *

_Captain's personal log, Stardate 1173.12 Captain James T. Kirk recording_  
My ship is overrun with sheep! They're everywhere! I don't know what went wrong with the transporters, but when the landing party was beamed aboard, _somehow _hundreds of these dratted creatures were also brought along. And they didn't all appear in the transporter room, oh no! They appeared all over the ship! And now they're literally _everywhere!_  
Nobody knows what it's like to be captain of the _Enterprise._

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Captain Kirk, bridge  
From: First Officer Spock, personal quarters

Captain, I believe I have discovered a possible solution to our current problem.

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: First Officer Spock, personal quarters  
From: Captain Kirk, bridge

Do tell, Mr. Spock.

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Captain Kirk, bridge  
From: First Officer Spock, personal quarters

I would like to attempt a Vulcan mind-meld with the patriarch of these animals. Perhaps I can communicate to them the necessity of their evacuation of the _Enterprise._

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: First Officer Spock, personal quarters  
From: Captain Kirk, bridge

...You want to meld with a sheep.  
You know, I really don't think you should do that. Who knows what effect it could have on the sheep.

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Captain Kirk, bridge  
From: First Officer Spock, personal quarters

I believe, Captain, that it may be the only productive course of action open to us at the current time.

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: First Officer Spock, personal quarters  
From: Captain Kirk, bridge

No Spock. I don't want to risk that. Sheep aren't the most intelligent of creatures, and having someone invade their minds might drive them berserk. It's bad enough having the things running loose all over the ship to begin with. I don't want them to go crazy on us.

* * *

_Personal notes of Dr. "Bones" McCoy_

This is madness! There's sheep all over everywhere! I managed to clear my Sickbay of them, but every time a crewman comes in, two or three of these blasted farm animals traipse along and make themselves right at home! It's quite apparent that all attempts to herd these things into the transporter room are failing.

Damn! Lt. Barker just staggered in and brought seven sheep along with him!

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Captain Kirk, bridge  
From: Chief Engineer Scott, engineering

Cap'n, these sheep are causin' no end of trouble! They're gettin' into places that shouldn't be gotten into, and several of my engineers are breakin' out in a rash from bein' allergic to wool. We've got to get rid of them!

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Captain Kirk, bridge  
From: Lt. Bauer, botany lab

Captain Kirk, sir, these sheep are a problem. Already they've eaten no less than four rare specimens that we're trying to raise, which made them sick. Sick sheep are not good things to have on board a Starship, sir.

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Captain Kirk, bridge  
From: Dr. Leonard McCoy, Sickbay

Jim, we've got to get rid of these animals. They're wreaking all kinds of havoc, and already I've had an alarming influx of patients since they came on board. Poor Lt. Barker got trampled while trying to clear them out of the laundry bay.

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Captain Kirk, bridge  
From: Supreme Chef Ivannovitch, ship's kitchen

Captain, vhat is going on?! There is a whole flock of sheep inwading my kitchen! They're making a mess! I vould make mutton stew, gyros, lamb chops, etc., but I am a _chef,_ not a _butcher_. I do not kill the meals I cook! Something must be done!

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: First Officer Spock, personal quarters  
From: Captain Kirk, bridge

Spock, I've changed my mind. Mind-meld with the sheep. But I want a full report afterwards.

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Captain Kirk, bridge  
From: First Officer Spock, personal quarters

Certainly, Captain.

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: First Officer Spock, personal quarters  
From: Captain Kirk, bridge

Well? How did it go?

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Captain Kirk,bridge  
From: Patriarchal Ram, crew's lounge

Esteemed captain of the _Enterprise_, I am not happy. It was a completely illogical move to allow your first officer to exchange thoughts with me, and now we're both reaping the consequences. I can well assure you, sir, that my current situation is of the utmost discomfort, and I hope you will employ someone to rectify this disturbing occurrence.

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Captain Kirk, bridge  
From: First Officer Spock, personal quarters

Mmmbaaaaaaa. Mehehehe! Baaaaa! Ooohaaaaaaaa!

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Dr. Leonard McCoy, Sickbay  
From: Captain Kirk, bridge

Bones, we have a problem.


	10. Chapter 10: Chills & Chicken Soup

***Charges up pell-mell and skids to a halt, throwing gravel all over everywhere* I'm am sooooo sorry I haven't updated this since March! :( I went onto a Western kick and lost all inspiration and inclination to write on LOTE. :( But, *waves chapter happily* here's a new one for anyone who's left on the bandwagon! :D Hope y'all enjoy it! **

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Captain Kirk, bridge  
From: Chief Engineer Scott, engineering

Cap'n, we've got a wee bittie problem.

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Chief Engineer Scott, engineering  
From: Captain Kirk, bridge

What's the problem, Scottie?

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Captain Kirk, bridge  
From: Chief Engineer Scott, engineering

It's the environmental system controls, Cap'n sir. They're completely unresponsive. Normally, that wouldn't necessarily be a problem, sir, but they went haywire and set the ship-wide temperature at about thirteen degrees Fahrenheit before they died. We're working on them now, sir, but if we can't get them back up and runnin' before it starts to get really cold, th' machinery could frost over and be irreparable.

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Captain Kirk, bridge  
From: Chief Engineer Scott, engineering

...I see. A problem indeed, Mr. Scott. I will alert the crew; in the meantime, do what you can.

* * *

_Engineer's journal, Montgomery Scott_

"Do what you can," he says, as if Ah'd do any less. _Ah _don't want to end up a human popsicle. (Ah'm sure Mr. Spock would have some logical rejoinder to tha' remark, but he won't ever know about it unless he read mah journal. In which case Ah'm likely to do somethin' unpleasant to those pointy ears of his.)  
Aaaah no, it's happenin' already! Mah temper's frayin' from the cold. Best Ah get back to work.

* * *

_Captain's Log, Stardate 1256.8 Captain James T. Kirk recording_

Due to a malfunction of the environmental control system - the cause of which is yet undetermined - the _Enterprise _has been plunged into a state of extreme cold, endangering the entire ship's functionality and the lives of her crew. I have full confidence in my chief engineer, Mr. Scott, and his able assistants, but I fear even this situation is out of their capable hands. However, we will not give up hope - emergency cold-weather gear has been distributed among the crew, and the engineers are hard at work. There is still a chance that the problem can be ascertained and rectified.

* * *

_Captain's personal log, Stardate 1256.8 Captain James T. Kirk recording_

We're all going to die.

* * *

_Captain's personal log, supplement _

I'm endeavoring to keep a cheerful outlook on things - if the crew knew their captain was despairing, morale would reach an all-time low, and not only would everyone give up hope, but the engineering crew might give up their efforts to get us out of this deep freeze. So I'm remaining optimistic, despite our dire, inescapable, life-threatening situation. We've all been trained, physically and mentally, for scenarios such as this, and I haven't yet confirmed with Dr. McCoy how long we can survive in these frigid conditions. I have high hopes that he will bear good news.

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Captain Kirk, personal quarters  
From: Dr. Leonard McCoy, Sickbay

Jim, I've got an influx of patients affected by this cold, and very few ways to treat them since my medicines are frozen and my machinery frosted over. If this keeps up, I reckon a good portion of the crew won't make it.

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Dr. Leonard McCoy, Sickbay  
From: Captain Kirk, personal quarters

What do you want me to do about it, Bones? I'm the captain, not a doctor or engineer.

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Captain Kirk, personal quarters  
From: Dr. Leonard McCoy, Sickbay

...Very funny, Jim. Just thought you ought to know where half your crew disappeared to when they start dropping like flies. Lt. Barker just reported in with the flu.

* * *

_Captain's personal log, supplement_

We're all going to die.

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Ensign Chekov, crew's lounge  
From: Supreme Chef Ivannovitch, ship's kitchen

Pavel, are you free to lend me a hand? Dr. McCoy implied there's lots of sneezing people who can't take the cool veather cluttering up his sickbay, so I thought I'd make chicken soup for them all.

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Chef Ivannovitch, ship's kitchen  
From: Ensign Chekov, crew's lounge

I'd be happy to help, Igor, but vhy do you need me to help you make soup?

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Ensign Chekov, crew's lounge  
From: Supreme Chef Ivannovitch, ship's kitchen

I don't. I need you to deliwer it for me. If I took it myself, I might get sick too.

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Chef Ivannovitch, ship's kitchen  
From: Ensign Chekov, crew's lounge

Vell! Vhat about me? Vhat if I get sick?

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Ensign Chekov, crew's lounge  
From: **Supreme** Chef Ivannovitch, ship's kitchen

Then I vill send Mr. Spock to Sickbay vith some chicken soup and wodka for you.

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: "Supreme" Chef Ivannovitch, ship's kitchen  
From: Ensign Chekov, en route to ship's kitchen

You are a cold, cruel person, Igor.

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Ensign Chekov, en route to ship's kitchen  
From: High Supreme Chef Ivannovitch, ship's kitchen

I am not! It is the rest of these peasants that are cold, not you or I! _Ve_ are _Russians!_ And I am not cruel, I am making chicken soup for the cold peasants in Sickbay!

* * *

_Personal notes of Dr. "Bones" McCoy_

As much as I hate to say it, I'm almost forced to admit that I've badly misjudged Ensign/Chef Ivannovitch. He may be a tyrant when his domain is threatened, but he must have a warm heart after all. He's sending in a steady flow of chicken soup and mulled wine to match the steady flow of patients coming in, and he's got Chekov delivering so he can keep supplying. I think when this is over, I'll suggest to Jim that they be awarded some sort of...award. If we get out of this alive, that is.

* * *

_Dear Diary,_

_For future reference - If soup is too thick, stirring it vith a 9 &amp; 1/2 inch icicle for sewen minutes prowides just the right amount of vater needed for appropriate thinning. _

_...I vonder if I could get Chief Scott to keep the veather like this all the time..._

_Igor Ivannovitch _

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Captain Kirk, bridge  
From: Chief Engineer Scott, engineering

Cap'n, we've somehow - and Ah'm not sure how - managed to raise the temperature to slightly more livable conditions, but the humidity control has gone completely haywire, and tha', combined with atmosphere and temperature controls, has produced new complications.

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Chief Engineer Scott, engineering  
From: Captain Kirk, bridge

...So I can see. Keep me informed of any other developments, Mr. Scott.

* * *

_Personal notes of Dr. "Bones" McCoy_

Dear heaven above, it's _SNOWING! _


	11. Chapter 11: Pros and Cons of Shore Leave

**Hello, my loyal viewers, awesome reviewers, and welcome to newcomers! :D Old timers, I apologize most profusely for the late update. Inspiration simply doesn't visit very often, especially when my mind is off in the Old West. :( New timers, congratulations for making it this far on this ridiculous story! :D You win a cookie for your efforts. *Gives cookie* And to old and new timers alike, here's the latest silliness - er, I mean, chapter. **

* * *

_Captain's log, Stardate 1476.83 Captain James T. Kirk, recording_  
Having received a transmission from Starfleet granting shore leave to the crew of the _Enterprise_, we are now in standard orbit around Beta V, a class M planet much like Earth. We are preparing to beam down a landing party, to scope out the planet's suitability for the crew's relaxation and enjoyment.  
I am very pleased with my crew - they are courageous, hard-working, loyal to a fault, and not one of them has ever shirked their duty or attempted to shift responsibility to someone else, and they all deserve a vacation. It is to be noted that my Chief Medical Officer is perhaps the most conscientious of his duties, and he is also the most relieved at the good news, having the interests and well-being of everyone on board at heart.

* * *

_Captain's personal log, Stardate 1476.83 Captain James T. Kirk, recording_  
I made the ship-wide announcement about shore leave approximately ten standard minutes ago. I should be hearing from Bones any minute now...

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Captain Kirk, personal quarters  
From: Dr. Leonard McCoy, Sickbay

Who all is going to be in the landing party, Jim?

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Dr. Leonard McCoy, Sickbay  
From: Captain Kirk, personal quarters

Lt. Sulu, Security officers Lts. Barker and Yong, and Ensign Hudson the geologist. Why, do you want to accompany them?

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Captain Kirk, personal quarters  
From: Dr. Leonard McCoy, Sickbay

Not especially. I'm a doctor, not a warrior, and I have no desire to go scoping out uncharted territory. Who's going to lead this expedition?

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Dr. Leonard McCoy, Sickbay  
From: Captain Kirk, personal quarters

Why does it matter to you if you're not going, Bones?

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Captain Kirk, personal quarters  
From: Dr. Leonard McCoy, Sickbay

That's what I figured. Jim, I've said it a hundred and eighty-seven point fives times: You overwork yourself. You're just a human, same as everyone else on this ship, and you can't handle everything that you take upon yourself, not without a break. Why don't you let someone else lead this scouting party? It can't be that dangerous.

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Dr. Leonard McCoy, Sickbay  
From: Captain Kirk, personal quarters

A hundred and eighty-seven point five times is a very exact number. How did you come up with that, and where are you getting the "point five"?

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Captain Kirk, personal quarters  
From: Dr. Leonard McCoy, Sickbay

I asked Spock for a rough estimate, and the point five was that time when you deliberately spilled your coffee and short-circuited the intercom before I'd finished what I was saying. Don't change the subject. Why not let Spock lead the landing party? I'd say he was in love with that tricorder if I thought he had the capability of feeling that much emotion.

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Dr. Leonard McCoy, Sickbay  
From: Captain Kirk, en route to transporter room

Sorry Bones, the landing party is assembled and waiting in the transporter room. You should have said something earlier; there's simply not time to make alternate arrangements now.

* * *

_Personal notes of Dr. "Bones" McCoy_

"There's simply not time to make alternate arrangements now". He's the captain of the ship, dammit, he chooses when things like that get done! He's just trying to avoid me/the voice of reality that keeps pointing out to him the possibilities of an early grave if he doesn't lighten his load soon.

_What _am I going to do with that man?

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Captain Kirk, bridge  
From: First Officer Spock, crew's lounge

Am I correct, Captain, in my assumptions that Beta V is an unacceptable location for the crew's period of respite?

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: First Officer Spock, crew's lounge  
From: Captain Kirk, bridge

On the contrary, Mr. Spock, we all thought it was a lovely place to take shore leave.

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Captain Kirk, bridge  
From: First Officer Spock, crew's lounge

May I remind you, Captain, of Starfleet regulations concerning shore leave? If any members of the scouting party are killed, the planet is unsuitable. If any report back injured, a second landing party must be sent to investigate further, or the premises must be vacated entirely and a different location sought. Lieutenant Barker has been admitted to Sickbay, having been attacked by a _Thomomys bottae. _The hostile inhabitants of the planet's surface clearly make it an entirely illogical choice for shore leave.

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: First Officer Spock, crew's lounge  
From: Captain Kirk, bridge

Oh, do be reasonable, Spock. Lt. Barker tripped over a gopher and it bit him. That's all there is to it - he wasn't attacked or set upon by legions of the creatures. It's just like Earth, and I think it's a perfectly logical choice, since most the crew hails from that planet. Besides, rules were made to be broken.

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Captain Kirk, bridge  
From: First Officer Spock, crew's lounge

That is a technically incorrect statement, Captain. Rules were made to be followed for the safety and well-being of those who find themselves in the position to be operating under the aforementioned rules. It is, I believe, human nature to resist what one feels to be oppressive or extraneous rules, laws, or regulations, and when the rebellious party begins to feel guilty, they desire a justification to ease their regrets, so they resort to the adage that you quoted.

* * *

_Captain's personal log, supplement_

How is it that when I converse with my first officer - one of my best friends - I so often find the conversation has gotten away from me?

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: First Officer Spock, crew's lounge  
From: Captain Kirk, bridge

That may be true, Spock, but I care more for the comfort, well-being, and morale of my crew than I do Starfleet regulations. Shore leave will take place on Beta V; those are my final orders.

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Captain Kirk, bridge  
From: First Officer Spock, crew's lounge

As you wish, Captain.

* * *

_Dear Diary,_

_ The landing party returned from the planet's surface not long ago, and Lt. Barker was telling me about it while I was disinfecting and dressing the bite on his ankle. He mentioned something about a beautiful lake surrounded by weeping willow trees - a very romantic spot, from the sound of it. _

_ I wonder if Vulcans are ever sensitive to the effects of moonlight...?_

_Christine Chapel_

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Lt. Bauer, botany lab  
From: Lt. Riley, engineering

Hey Joyce, Lt. Yong was telling me about the scouting trip earlier, and he told me about a lake surrounded by sheltering trees. It sounded like the ideal place for a private moonlight rendezvous - I mean, a good place to go talk things over without being interrupted by anyone. Will you meet me on the eastern side at 21:00 hours, whenever we get to beam down?

* * *

On-board dispatch  
To: Lt. Riley, engineering  
From: Lt. Bauer, botany lab

Drop dead, Riley.

* * *

**Congratulations, you made it to the bottom of the page! :D Leave a review to tell me how awesome you are, how awesome my story is, or just to claim your second free cookie! ^_^ (Please note: No review, no cookie. Don't look at me like that, Life is cruel that way.)**


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